I read somewhere once that the way your father loves you is how you perceive God’s love. If you had a strict father who only approved of you when you followed his rules, you would consequently view God as someone whose love you would only earn by being “perfect.” Or maybe you had a father who was absent, emotionally and physically. So, you may have felt that God was never there for you.
The latter was the case for me. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and would resent my friends who seemed to have it normal. Normal to me meant a family in which the mother and father were present, loved each other, and loved their children. These children grew up feeling loved, with adequate guidance and support. Before my parents divorce, I remember feeling pride that they were still together, but no one really knew how much was actually going on at home. As soon as they divorced, there was a sense of relief instead of disappointment that they were no longer together. It seemed as if my father leaving meant that he was taking all the conflict, his addictions, his rage, and his emotional abandonment with him. At least it would no longer be staring us in our faces anymore; and me, my mom, and sisters could finally move on. But, with his abandonment came new shame. I was now somehow different from my peers, I was no longer deserving of love.
As an adult, I continued my unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. If there was anyone who genuinely cared for me in a healthy, balanced way, I would push them away. I would invite relationships in my life with people who could only offer me one sided relationships. But I grew weary. So, I started turning to God who had always been there for me when no one else was, and to my surprise he was nowhere to be found.
I was desperate for the intimacy, the support and guidance He had once given me. Still, there was just silence on the other end. So, I thought, maybe I’m not being good enough. So, I went to church and went on mission trips and behaved my best. And he gave me just glimpses of him. Okay, maybe I need to heal, I thought. So, I contacted my earth dad and asked forgiveness of everyone I had ever hurt in my life. But still no God.
I now had open lines of communication with my dad, who was now remarried and had another daughter. I started empathizing with my dad as an addict and thinking that maybe his shame didn’t allow him to contact me or my sisters for all these years. Also, each time I had seen him before, I was operating out of anger for what he put us through, so, I thought it was all my fault. I assumed that it was up to me to make my dad feel okay, that if only I were a compassionate and understanding person, he would want to rebuild a relationship with me. It was okay for awhile and I almost saw hope. But I didn’t change anything. I started to realize that this was not a person I wanted to have a close relationship with. But mostly, I started seeing how I was accommodating him, trying to alter myself to try to prove my worth. Did he not see my value? Why was I the one always trying to prove how deserving of his love I was.
Then I had an epiphany. After all these years, I was doing the same thing with God. I thought, if only I could change this about me, if I could do this better, if I could be a healed and emotionally healthy person. Only then could I finally earn God’s love and be deserving of a normal life and have healthy relationships with people. But he was always out of reach. I had to realize that I was trying to earn a love that was freely given to me. God is not my earth dad. He is not human, he is not flawed, and best of all, he IS love. His love for me had not changed. I never had to prove I deserved his love because he had already sent his son to die for me. He had already proved his love to me. He was the one pursuing me to show me how much I was worth to him! But I had to get to a place where I could receive his love in order for him to be present. I still wouldn’t say that I deserve this kind of love, but the fact that He thinks I do is everything to me. It changes me. A father’s love really does affect a child, and I am so glad that I get to call Him father.
“For his unfailing love for us is powerful;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever. Praise the Lord!” -Psalm 117:2
Letters To A King 