I Had a Miscarriage

In early May, I found out that I was pregnant and my husband and I were so excited! We already have a little boy (whose story I will share another day) that will soon turn two; so, we thought what a perfect time to be expecting. It would be exactly as we had planned to have children two years apart. What made me even more excited is that this pregnancy I was having symptoms so different from my first pregnancy. Even though it was too early to tell, all signs were pointing to a girl, which made my husband and I that much more excited to welcome the new addition to our little family. We picked out names and I was especially drawn to the name, Hope. We felt like having this little girl was going to make our family complete and we had planned on sharing the news with everyone on Mother’s day, which was a week away. But throughout my very short pregnancy, I couldn’t help but notice this nagging feeling that something just wasn’t quite right.

In the first few days of my pregnancy, I experienced pain similar to the pain I had before my son was born prematurely. My sister would tell me it might be just cramps or growing pains, and I would agree while knowing deep down that it wasn’t. And then at church one Sunday, we had a visitor, a missionary from Africa who had somehow known the physical struggles my husband and I were experiencing. She said from the pulpit, “There is someone here who has been experiencing shoulder pains, its as if the muscle was ripped. There is also someone who experiences frequent fainting spells, although you don’t faint all the way, you experience cold sweats and weakness and come back in a few seconds.” Guys, this was so specific to us that she even said, “This second person may not want to say who they are because they are more private, but God wants you to know that he will heal you.” Anyone who knows me, knows how private I can be, and I mean I was shocked at the details, among other things she said. Why I am sharing this story, is because before church started, my husband and I happened to have a conversation with this woman, where I happily shared with her that we had just found out we were expecting. I sensed hesitation in her voice, and then she asked if this would be our first or we had other children. After we answered, she went on to talk about her nieces, whom she was close to and it was endearing to hear. But somehow, call it a mother’s intuition or the holy spirit, I knew this woman had sensed something she did not feel comfortable sharing with us. And as soon as she left us, I made a prayer to God before I knew anything. And in that prayer I begged God not to let anything happen to my baby. I asked him to take care of it, and that if something had to happen, let it happen to me instead. And then I fully entrusted God to take care of both my babies if I weren’t there. And I left it at that.

Then, all day Thursday, I experienced a lack of pregnancy symptoms. Later that night I noticed light bleeding and immediately started to cry. My husband tried to calm me down and reminded me I had bled early on in my last pregnancy as well, and that everything would be okay. Still, I told him I didn’t want to announce our pregnancy on Mother’s Day anymore, and that I thought we should wait. But the next morning, I went to use the bathroom and realized a had passed a large blood clot, and from then on was bleeding very heavily. I also experience the awful cramping, back pain, fatigue, and nausea that comes along with a miscarriage. I knew at this point that I had, for sure, lost my baby.

I went through several days crying and avoiding God. He knew how much I wanted this and I just couldn’t understand why he allowed me to become pregnant in the first place. I thought, why get my hopes up just to take it away? I didn’t even want to celebrate Mother’s Day. But, over these past few days, the chorus of a song kept popping up in my head:

“And If you have a minute, why don’t we go talk about it somewhere only we know? …So why don’t we go somewhere only we know?“

By Mother’s Day, I realized, okay, this is God. I haven’t talked to him since this happened and he’s asking for a minute with me. The least I can do is give him that. And, so, in the middle of a shower (the only place I have complete privacy, haha) I met with God in prayer. As soon as I stepped into his presence, I asked him why he didn’t take care of her and protect her like I asked.

He responded, “I did. I did exactly what you asked. I’m taking care of her right now. She is with me, I’m protecting her, and she is beautiful.”

I cried, and I asked him to tell her I love her and I couldn’t wait to meet her and that I’m so glad she’s safe. Then I broke down and thanked God for not only doing what I had asked, but doing even better. Although it wasn’t the way I wanted, I thought, it’s true, there’s no where safer than where she is right now. I was filled with his peace and strength and I decided I would go on and celebrate Mother’s Day. This time, not only as a mom of one, but two beautiful children that God has blessed me with so far.

Thanks for reading.

If you are still searching for hope, I recommend watching this beautiful message from Pr. Wade Joye:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmRuzb9r7bg

“Then, I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” -Psalm 77:10,11

Letters To A King