Why I Paid A Therapist to Listen to My Problems, And Why I Stopped

Here’s the thing, I don’t think you should stop talking to your therapist if you think it is helping you. I don’t have an agenda, I am just sharing my experience in the hopes that similar people can be helped or even validated. By all means, keep your therapist.

Now, if you haven’t already heard about the Enneagram, it is a tool for those that want to understand themselves or others better (or even just for fun). There are plenty of free resources online or your library to help you discover your type. My type is the Mediator (9), and “they interact with the world by striving to be peaceful.” This means that I am likely avoid conflicts at all costs, and value unity in a group. Which is true for me, I believe everyone in a group should be heard, seen, and valued. Ironically, I avoid being heard, seen and valued myself. This comes from a belief founded in childhood, that my needs are not important, or that the needs of others are more important than mine. This causes the type nine to fall asleep to themselves (their needs, passions, desires, and even opinions) and will therefore believe that the value others is above themselves. While some, especially Christians, may think this is a noble notion, it is very unhealthy for the nine, who may never gets to live out the calling God has for them because they are essentially living for everybody else.

What led me to the therapists office was the fact that I was extremely sensitive, withdrawn, avoidant of people, battling extreme anxiety, and later found out I was also severely depressed. I thought, things in my life were good! Sure, some things aren’t perfect, but I still didn’t understand why I was so emotionally distressed. My therapist made me feel safe, and, unlike the people in my life, I was paying her to listen to my problems. This allowed me switch from my normal mode of “listener” and “caretaker” to being listened to and cared for without guilt or feeling selfish (also common for nines). Before I knew it, I was telling her everything. I told her things that bothered me from years ago, things I was battling within my family and my marriage, about my son’s difficult first year of life. Every time I went to a session, I poured everything out quickly, as if it was my only chance to safely and truly express my experience, and then I would leave her office and resume my normal habits. For example, I would be upset with something someone said at church. But I wouldn’t tell them, I would act as if it didn’t hurt me at all. Then I would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of my next appointment with my therapist, so that I could tell her.

Are you catching my drift here? I became so reliant in the safe space my therapist provided that I wasn’t dealing with my conflicts head-on. This is especially detrimental to a nine, who is conflict avoidant. It was just furthering that unhealthy habit of mine, not to mention, causing an unhealthy reliance on my well-meaning therapist. So, regretfully and also fearful of causing conflict with her, I wrote my therapist to tell her that I wouldn’t be meeting with her anymore.

Here’s what my therapist did help me with: she taught me that I was entitled to my feelings, and that even though I understood the other person’s point of view or why they did/said something, it doesn’t make my feelings/experience more or less valid, but equally so. She taught me that it is okay to be angry and to be hurt, that I am not going to lose people in my life for that because anger and hurt is a human experience, everybody goes through that. And she taught me that it is okay, healthy even, to ask for what I want and need and that it doesn’t make me selfish.

I still squirm at the thought of conflict, or disturbing the peace. But I’m learning that being authentic (not confrontational) with people has actually brought me MORE peace in life. Imagine that. I have to force myself to tell people what I truly think or feel at the moment, and if I miss the moment, I don’t wait too long after to tell them (procrastination is another weak point!). I also have to remind you that this is something I have to practice at, as it goes against my nature, and it always feels uncomfortable. Ultimately, I know it is helping me to be closer to the people in my life.

I want to end with a verse and a prayer.

Ecclesiastes 4:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Fools fold their hands
    and ruin themselves.
⁶ Better one handful with tranquility
    than two handfuls with toil
    and chasing after the wind.

[ I feel God led me to this verse to share with my fellow nines because, according to the Enneagram, our “sin” is laziness. I would say, that a more accurate representation of us is being slow to act. Because of this personal quality, we may miss the calling God has for us due to our own uncertainty and inaction. I urge you to take one simple action today towards something God has stirred in your heart, you don’t even have to be sure about it, just keep taking small steps forward. In the words of my pastor’s wife, “change or die.” ]

You can study this verse further here: https://biblehub.com/commentaries/ecclesiastes/4-5.htm

My prayer for my fellow nines, or anyone who reads this and can somehow relate, is that you can begin to wake-up to self: to your passions, needs, and goals. That God may start to bring to your attention all the things in your past or present that you are trying to avoid dealing with, so that you can face them and allow them to help you grow. Know that growth always feels uncomfortable, but it is part of the process God had planned for you. I pray that God can give you pure and clear direction in your life, and to remind you that the passions he gives you are part of the calling he has for you. That you may know in your heart, that to Him, you are important, you are loved, and you are seen.

Letters To A King